”I” not “YOU”

Us humans, spend the majority of our time working on relationships. We build and work on maintaining relationships with our parents, siblings, extended family, colleagues, friends, clients and children among others. The establishment of any relationship is unfortunately the first step towards conflict. No two people can communicate without stumbling onto a conflict subject every now and then, and in some cases, more often than anyone is happy with. Conflict on its own is not troublesome. Rather, it is natural. Communication during conflict is what we need to focus on in order ensure that conflicts are resolved instead of exacerbated, negatively affecting other aspects of the relationship.

A great and simple approach, that is embraced especially in family and couple’s therapy in order to achieve effective communication in general,  specifically in times of conflict, is replacing one word, “you” with another word “I”. When we begin our sentences with “I”, it automatically creates an expression that is embedded in self responsibility and self assertion. Sentences beginning with “you” on the other hand, are perceived as blaming and challenging. Here’s an example of how we can use “I” language in our daily conversations with our partners or children; “I need to spend more time with you” rather than “You’re never around”. As simple as it may seem, the effect is profound. The “I” elicits empathy; it invites the other person, to understand how we feel, what we need and what we don’t accept as well. The blaming “you” however, elicits defensiveness and anger. It invites the other person to counter attack, over defend or completely deny what’s been stated.

Using “I” language can be equally effective at work. Communication using the assertive and precise “I” can mean, less space for miscommunication, better team work as blame and anxiety are reduced, and a culture of self responsibility and transparency is embraced. A great time to use “I” statements at work, is when we give feedback. “I believe it will be important to eliminate distractions in the future in order to achieve higher targets” can replace “You’re always busy with something else, how do you expect to achieve your targets?”

Communication is a process where we need to begin with the end in mind. It is important to have a clear idea of where you want to go. If it is cooperation, then “I” language is the way to go. Try it safely at home and smartly at work!