Marvels of fasting

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What is fasting? A withholding, a deprivation and a stepping back from. A creation of space between a state of need and state of fulfillment. The space called desire, called longing, also, called a fast.

A fast starts off easy, from a place of satiation, of contentment, of oneness with the object of desire or ignorance of it. Then a gradual separation; and with every movement away from satiation, we experience a rise of an energy, we will call desire and longing.

A burning sensation that starts off like a one wick candle and rises with the potential of a wild fire.

A quiet need can turn into an obsessive crave. How intensely we experience the energy depends on our capacity to contain, our perceived expectation of relief, our stamina and our general physical, emotional and mental maturity.

The reason why only some people enjoy fasting though is not their ability to endure and achieve it, but their capacity to enjoy focusing on the energy of desire and longing itself. By slowly detaching from the object that will bring satiation (food, water, union, or anything else), to the energy generated from the desire itself. That flame rising inside that can be tamed and channeled towards deeper connection with the self (our physical experience of the soul) and therefore, a deeper connection with the Source, the Divine, the Universal power, God, our Allah…the Breath…

There is a hidden beauty, a sweetness, in basking in the warmth of desire…that longing…the longing for a sip of water to quench the thirst and bring a state of relief and nourishment, or for a loaf of bread to bring about a state of fullness and content…

The warmth of desire in and of itself is a driving force, a nourishment of the soul, a tingling and aliveness of the body and a great message to the heart, for only the eyes of the open hearted to see.

Fasting is a great teacher, it takes us by the hand and shows us the way to enjoy the state of desire as much as, if not more than, the state of satiation.

We don’t only fast voluntarily, we do so naturally. With every unfulfilled desire, we are made to fast, religious and traditional fasting prepares us and makes us aware of the pronounced but often confused emotion of desire and also that of satisfaction and of our capacity to create fulfilling experiences out of both.

Voluntary fasting is but a mindful practice of all the fasting we do in every day life. Those of us who will learn to use the desire energy in a day of fasting, will also learn to use it when money is short, when love is lost, when the heart is half full and when the mind is chaotic…

To fall in love with seeking before finding

To dance to the flames of longing before sitting down to rest

To sing the songs of desire in full blast until its heard in the heavens. And better yet, until the heavens echo

To run the empty spaces of “not having yet“ barefoot and liberated, before arriving at the safe but confining space of “having”

To take that fire and light up a hundred lanterns in the dark nights of overstuffed hearts.

And what is the beauty of satisfaction if not its fleeting nature…its ebb and flow…like the moon playing peek-a-boo with a happy child. It’s there, but it’s not…and the excitement while the clouds are amass is just as when the moon reappears.

Fasting shows us the joy of being on the way…to just enjoy food and water after a fast is missing the show and arriving just in time for the applause.

When we fast, we slowly empty ourselves of all else, so we can see, hear and feel our desire, our longing…and to enjoy the abundant energy of its flame and the generous holding space of its warmth.

Next time you fast, voluntarily or naturally, notice the energy in your desire, emanating from within you, slowly lose sight of what it is that you desire and focus only on how that energy feels inside you, if its too soft, breathe into it so its flames are enough to light up your way, and If its too strong, breathe into it so that your soothing and gentle breath would tame it so that it won’t burn you down inside…A gentle bright flame, a driving force, yours to channel, yours to love and care for.

12 Characteristics of successful marriages

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Choosing a life partner is one of those decisions that exhaust us, the context within which we make such a decision greatly influences our decision making process. Different cultures impose selection criteria that might not fit our own inclinations such as age of marriage, race of partner or even wealth of partner. It is one of those decisions that require us to go through a mental checklist. The checklist might include religious, cultural, social and familial criteria and those are mostly clear.

More ambiguous are the more personal criteria that can answer for us the question of whether or not we can be happy with this person. Research has provided evidence that the premarital relationship is a good predictor of how a marriage will turn out. Beliefs and behaviors expressed in the context of a relationship should be taken as solid indication of how a person is likely to think and behave in the future. To think that a partner’s “incompatible” beliefs and behaviors will magically disappear after marriage is likely to end up in major disappointment.

The essence of the couple’s interactions and individual characteristics also provide a good idea of how the interaction will continue to be after marriage. Other major predictors of the quality of post honeymoon relationship are family of origin factors such as relationship with parents, siblings, and parent’s mental health.
Since that we agree that the premarital relationship is a good predictor of the post marital one, then we can use some “characteristics of successful marriages” to evaluate the health of the relationship before we take those vows.

Some of the main characteristics of successful marriages are:

1. Communication
Effective communication takes place when the sender (a partner) is able to accurately relay ideas, facts, beliefs and feelings to a receiver (the other partner) who correctly interprets them and vice versa. Most of our marital problems have their roots in ineffective communication.

2. Companionship/friendship
In happy marriages, couples spend enough quality time together and enjoy that time. Being able to laugh together is a great indication that the time is well spent.

3. Shared values
When couples share values they also bond over them. More importantly is that the lack of shared values sort of trickles down into many day to day activities that might create marital problems.

4. Commitment
Relationships are hard work. To have a happy marriage a lot of work needs to be done in terms of willingness to expend time and energy for the sake of nurturing the relationship and giving it space to grow. Motivation and determination are keys to overcoming inevitable troubles that arise in the course of any relationship.

5. Respect
Respect does not only mean lack of contempt (which is a major predictor of divorce), rather it encompasses, appreciation, admiration, unconditional acceptance as well as communicating all of those positive feelings.

6. Affection/intimacy
The need for affection and its expression is different from person to person and from couple to couple. When the needs for the expression and reception of affection are even implicitly agreed upon and met, the couple is unlikely to face undue stress as a result of unfulfilled needs or incompatible expression of affection.

7. Ability to cope with stress
Successful couples turn to each other for support during adversity. They resort to employing creative problem solving when they are bombarded with challenges. Emotionally mature couples handle frustrations better and have constructive anger management skills thus preventing day to day issues from affecting their marital relationship.

8. Responsibility
There are two levels of responsibility. On one level there is responsibility for one’s actions and on the other level is the responsibility each partner has for the relationship. In happy marriages, couples are willing to assume and share responsibilities. They understand and agree on having a fair allocation of duties and tasks. Couples are also satisfied when there is a common understanding of gender role expectations within the context of the relationship.

9. Empathy
Being able to identify with a partner’s feelings and thoughts is a great gift to a relationship, especially when it is accurate and well expressed.

10. Balance of give and take
Because human relationships at their purest are still transactional in nature, a healthy relationship will have a good balance of how much each partner gives and receives from the other. A partner who tries to find happiness through self-gratification is essentially off setting that delicate balance to the disadvantage of the relationship.

11. Honesty and trust
Honesty, trust, truthfulness, fidelity and faithfulness are all virtues that make partners able to live a relaxed life free of toxic doubts. Couples who are considering marriage should be able to understand the value of those noble meanings from the potential spouse’s perspective. Moreover, Real life incidences that test truthfulness and general integrity should be taken in all seriousness.

12. Flexibility and tolerance
As a rule of thumb, the more flexible the individuals in a partnership are, the more agile the relationship becomes, making it adaptable and time enduring. When partners are flexible, the challenges of differing personalities, growing older, relocating or experiencing life threatening illnesses, have lesser impact on the health of the relationship.

It is of great importance for individuals who are in serious relationships to reflect on those characteristics and to reflect on where their relationships stand in light of them. The level of importance of each characteristic would be different from one couple to another. By discussing them together the couple could come to a common understanding with regards to their expectations, which might in and of itself save years of preventable conflict and unnecessary misery.

”I” not “YOU”

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Us humans, spend the majority of our time working on relationships. We build and work on maintaining relationships with our parents, siblings, extended family, colleagues, friends, clients and children among others. The establishment of any relationship is unfortunately the first step towards conflict. No two people can communicate without stumbling onto a conflict subject every now and then, and in some cases, more often than anyone is happy with. Conflict on its own is not troublesome. Rather, it is natural. Communication during conflict is what we need to focus on in order ensure that conflicts are resolved instead of exacerbated, negatively affecting other aspects of the relationship.

A great and simple approach, that is embraced especially in family and couple’s therapy in order to achieve effective communication in general,  specifically in times of conflict, is replacing one word, “you” with another word “I”. When we begin our sentences with “I”, it automatically creates an expression that is embedded in self responsibility and self assertion. Sentences beginning with “you” on the other hand, are perceived as blaming and challenging. Here’s an example of how we can use “I” language in our daily conversations with our partners or children; “I need to spend more time with you” rather than “You’re never around”. As simple as it may seem, the effect is profound. The “I” elicits empathy; it invites the other person, to understand how we feel, what we need and what we don’t accept as well. The blaming “you” however, elicits defensiveness and anger. It invites the other person to counter attack, over defend or completely deny what’s been stated.

Using “I” language can be equally effective at work. Communication using the assertive and precise “I” can mean, less space for miscommunication, better team work as blame and anxiety are reduced, and a culture of self responsibility and transparency is embraced. A great time to use “I” statements at work, is when we give feedback. “I believe it will be important to eliminate distractions in the future in order to achieve higher targets” can replace “You’re always busy with something else, how do you expect to achieve your targets?”

Communication is a process where we need to begin with the end in mind. It is important to have a clear idea of where you want to go. If it is cooperation, then “I” language is the way to go. Try it safely at home and smartly at work!

“Don’t worry”, the advice most given and least taken

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How many times a day do you offer and receive the “don’t worry” piece of advice? How often did you want to help yourself or someone else stop worrying? And how often did you succeed? We are inherently so well trained to worry. We worry about hurting someone’s feelings by saying something inappropriate, about not being able to meet deadlines, about finances, children’s academic progress, passing exams, that big presentation, the inevitable dinner with the in-laws, etc….

How do we worry? Essentially, our 5 senses will feed information about a specific situation to our brains so that our brains would do its job of rationalizing it. However, within this process, the incoming information goes through the filter of perception and experience, before it reaches the stage of rationalization. If our experience flags a situation as alarming or potentially dangerous, our body releases the hormone adrenaline and we switch to a state commonly known as fight or flight. This state refers to our intuitive inclination to either fight a threat, which in terms of day to day behavior could be expressed by being angry or argumentative, or fleeing a threat by attempting to withdraw from the situation.

Being in such a high intensity emotional state is not exactly a resourceful state of being unless danger is imminent. Otherwise, we are much better off being in a low intensity emotional state, especially if we need to plan, think something through or make an important decision. NLP (Neuro linguistic programming), a powerful behavioral change management tool, provides us with a technique to shift from a “worrisome” or anxious state of mind to a relaxed one through a process called anchoring.

Next time you feel worried or anxious try this; recall something that makes you happy, like an occasion, a moment, a person or a landscape. Reach out with all your senses so you are there, feeling what you felt, seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard, etc…. When you achieve a satisfying level of involvement, do a subtle gesture (of your choice), like tapping your knee or touching your thumb and your middle finger, hold the gesture while continuing your emotional engagement in your recollection. When the feelings subside, release the gesture and repeat until you feel “unworried” and relaxed.

The next time you catch yourself getting worked up about the same issue or something else, repeat the gesture and you will see that in time, that happy and relaxed emotional state will be easily summoned to your rescue. After all, we all know that worry doesn’t help. Being relaxed enables us to see choices that otherwise seem to hide behind the stone wall of worry and anxiety. Not only are you now better equipped to take up that advice “Don’t worry”, but this simple exercise is a gift that you can pass on, and it goes a long way. Happy anchoring!