12 Characteristics of successful marriages
Choosing a life partner is one of those decisions that exhaust us, the context within which we make such a decision greatly influences our decision making process. Different cultures impose selection criteria that might not fit our own inclinations such as age of marriage, race of partner or even wealth of partner. It is one of those decisions that require us to go through a mental checklist. The checklist might include religious, cultural, social and familial criteria and those are mostly clear.
More ambiguous are the more personal criteria that can answer for us the question of whether or not we can be happy with this person. Research has provided evidence that the premarital relationship is a good predictor of how a marriage will turn out. Beliefs and behaviors expressed in the context of a relationship should be taken as solid indication of how a person is likely to think and behave in the future. To think that a partner’s “incompatible” beliefs and behaviors will magically disappear after marriage is likely to end up in major disappointment.
The essence of the couple’s interactions and individual characteristics also provide a good idea of how the interaction will continue to be after marriage. Other major predictors of the quality of post honeymoon relationship are family of origin factors such as relationship with parents, siblings, and parent’s mental health.
Since that we agree that the premarital relationship is a good predictor of the post marital one, then we can use some “characteristics of successful marriages” to evaluate the health of the relationship before we take those vows.
Some of the main characteristics of successful marriages are:
1. Communication
Effective communication takes place when the sender (a partner) is able to accurately relay ideas, facts, beliefs and feelings to a receiver (the other partner) who correctly interprets them and vice versa. Most of our marital problems have their roots in ineffective communication.
2. Companionship/friendship
In happy marriages, couples spend enough quality time together and enjoy that time. Being able to laugh together is a great indication that the time is well spent.
3. Shared values
When couples share values they also bond over them. More importantly is that the lack of shared values sort of trickles down into many day to day activities that might create marital problems.
4. Commitment
Relationships are hard work. To have a happy marriage a lot of work needs to be done in terms of willingness to expend time and energy for the sake of nurturing the relationship and giving it space to grow. Motivation and determination are keys to overcoming inevitable troubles that arise in the course of any relationship.
5. Respect
Respect does not only mean lack of contempt (which is a major predictor of divorce), rather it encompasses, appreciation, admiration, unconditional acceptance as well as communicating all of those positive feelings.
6. Affection/intimacy
The need for affection and its expression is different from person to person and from couple to couple. When the needs for the expression and reception of affection are even implicitly agreed upon and met, the couple is unlikely to face undue stress as a result of unfulfilled needs or incompatible expression of affection.
7. Ability to cope with stress
Successful couples turn to each other for support during adversity. They resort to employing creative problem solving when they are bombarded with challenges. Emotionally mature couples handle frustrations better and have constructive anger management skills thus preventing day to day issues from affecting their marital relationship.
8. Responsibility
There are two levels of responsibility. On one level there is responsibility for one’s actions and on the other level is the responsibility each partner has for the relationship. In happy marriages, couples are willing to assume and share responsibilities. They understand and agree on having a fair allocation of duties and tasks. Couples are also satisfied when there is a common understanding of gender role expectations within the context of the relationship.
9. Empathy
Being able to identify with a partner’s feelings and thoughts is a great gift to a relationship, especially when it is accurate and well expressed.
10. Balance of give and take
Because human relationships at their purest are still transactional in nature, a healthy relationship will have a good balance of how much each partner gives and receives from the other. A partner who tries to find happiness through self-gratification is essentially off setting that delicate balance to the disadvantage of the relationship.
11. Honesty and trust
Honesty, trust, truthfulness, fidelity and faithfulness are all virtues that make partners able to live a relaxed life free of toxic doubts. Couples who are considering marriage should be able to understand the value of those noble meanings from the potential spouse’s perspective. Moreover, Real life incidences that test truthfulness and general integrity should be taken in all seriousness.
12. Flexibility and tolerance
As a rule of thumb, the more flexible the individuals in a partnership are, the more agile the relationship becomes, making it adaptable and time enduring. When partners are flexible, the challenges of differing personalities, growing older, relocating or experiencing life threatening illnesses, have lesser impact on the health of the relationship.
It is of great importance for individuals who are in serious relationships to reflect on those characteristics and to reflect on where their relationships stand in light of them. The level of importance of each characteristic would be different from one couple to another. By discussing them together the couple could come to a common understanding with regards to their expectations, which might in and of itself save years of preventable conflict and unnecessary misery.